Laura – a hooker stands on the street, Dick Long – an alien from outer space in the shape of a man walks up, looks her over. His conversation is too correct, a bit stiff.
Laura
Well, do you like what you see?
Dick
I am considering… What is your level of education?
Laura
Funny you ask… Actually I’m in college right now, and it is VERY expensive, as you know…
Dick
How are your grades?
Laura
B+ average.
Dick
I am very pleased. You are acceptable.
Laura
You’re welcome to donate a little something toward my education expenses…
Dick
Donation implies a gift – no obligation on your part. I was intending to purchase sex. Can I do that?
Laura
You can NOT purchase sex. But the suggested donation is a $100 cash. And I think you’re hot, so if you make the donation, I WILL give you a chance and go out with you ONCE.
Dick
I mistook you for a prostitute! I am so sorry! Will you forgive me?
Laura (laughs)
Sure, I forgive you. So, do you want a date or what?
Dick
Yes, I would like a date very much.
Laura
Would right now be a convenient time for you?
Dick
Yes, I am free right now. But I must be honest with you; I do want to mate with you soon. I cannot date for a long period of time.
Laura (laughs)
How long can you last?
Dick
I can wait a hundred years at most. Is that enough time to woo you? Tell me the truth, because if it is not enough time I must find someone else immediately…
Laura (laughs, grabs his arm and pulls him along)
You are funny! Let’s go.
Dick
Where?
Laura
No. To a hotel, silly.
Dick
A hotel? You are traveling, you don’t live in this city?
Laura (laughing)
You’re something else! Stop being so cute, I don’t want to fall in love with you!
Dick
You should let yourself. Then our mating will be truly perfect.
Laura (laughing)
Mating! What are you – an anthropology major? I don’t want to ‘mate’, that’s like a serious relationship. I just want to fuck and never see you again.
Dick
Okay, I promise, you will NEVER SEE me again after we mate.
Laura
A typical man!
(she aims her cell phone at him)
I’m taking a picture of you and texting it to my friend… For safety, in case you’re some psycho.
(she quickly texts the picture)
Do you have an ID? I want a picture of that too.
Dick
An ID?
Laura
Yeah, like drivers license or a passport.
Dick
Do you have one?
Laura
Of course.
Dick
Could I please see it?
Laura
Okay, but only from the distance. You can’t touch it.
She takes out her ID and holds it in front of him for a moment, at a safe distance.
Laura
Satisfied? Now yours!
Dick
Not a problem.
He hands her an Id. She reads.
Laura
Dick Long! Ha, ha! Don’t tell me this is your real name!
Dick
All right. I won’t tell you that.
Laura
Shit. No point really in taking a photo, since it’s obviously fake… Oh, well…
(she takes a picture anyway and texts it)
Laura
I’ll take my college donation now, please. Cash only. I don’t want to lose time going to the hotel and back if you don’t have the dow.
Dick pulls out a $100 from his pocket and hands it to her. She takes a special pen out of her purse and draws a line on the bill. It doesn’t pass inspection. She gives the bill back angrily.
Laura
This money is no good! Deal is off.
Dick (begs)
I am sorry, what’s wrong with it? How can you tell?
Laura
Bad money turns this pen black.
Dick pulls out another $100 out of his pocket and says
Dick
Try this one.
Laura shrugged, but did try it and it passed.
Laura
Ok, this one is fine. Do you have a couple more of them to pay for the hotel?
Dick pulls out a bunch of $100 bills. She draws across them all, they are fine.
Laura
I guess it really was an accident. The rest of the money checks out… Hey, if you want to donate more than a $100, feel free to do so.
Dick
Oh, thank you. I do feel like it.
He hands her the whole bunch. Then reaches into his pocket and produces another bunch…
Laura stuffs her purse full to bursting.
Laura
I think this will do for now.
Dick
Are you sure? I can make more.
Laura
Can you fill up a couple of garbage bags?
Dick
As many bags as you like.
Laura
But how many of them bills will be bad?
Dick
No more bad. I promise!
Laura
All right, magic man. Let’s go.
Dick
To your hotel?
Laura
Yeah! On a trip of your dreams!
Blackout.
Hotel room. The walk into the room. Dick just stands there, lost. Laura grabs him by his belt and pulls him toward the bed.
Laura
No kissing, just straight sex.
Blackout.
Laura wakes up, looks around. Dick’s clothes are all there, but Dick himself is gone. Laura gets up, a sheet wrapped around her. She checks in the bathroom, no one there. She looks in the closets and under the bed. She examines his clothes. Even the underwear is there.
Laura
Dick!.. Dick… Hugh. Maybe he went downstairs naked to freak out that asshole at the front desk. That would be funny. I wish I could see that.
Dick’s Voice
You said you never wanted to see me again after we mated.
Laura (laughs nervously)
Dick! Where are you hiding? I looked everywhere!
Dick’s Voice
I am now a part of you.
Laura
What are you talking about!
Dick’s Voice
When we mate, we become very long, very thin worms…
Laura
Who’s ‘we’!
Dick’s Voice
We, the beings from the Sagittarius dwarf galaxy… Our bodies stretch along the many feet of the intestines. Our reproductive organs attach to the ovaries, so we can impregnate the females continuously. Our brains attach to the females’ brains and the nervous systems, and we communicate directly by stimulating the neurons and the nerves…
Laura
Enough jokes, you’re scaring me! Come out!
Dick’s Voice
I can never come out again. We mate for life. I will prove to you what I just told you. I will give you sexual pleasure and inseminate your ovaries, both of them…
Laura starts moaning like she’s having an orgasm. But she screams through her moaning:
Laura
I don’t want children! I am not ready! I’m going to the hospital and having you cut out!
Dick’s Voice
Sorry, but that is totally out of question.
Laura
Why!
Dick’s Voice
Anytime you so much as think something about harming our offspring I will cause you intense pain like this…
Laura screams, falls on the floor, writhing in pain.
Laura
Stop, stop! I get it!
Pain stops and she gets up.
Dick’s Voice
So the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to love me.
Laura
How can I! You forced yourself in me!
Dick’s Voice
Not true. I told you, I could have waited a hundred years to mate with you. You are the one who wanted to do it right away.
Laura
Ohhhhhh….
Dick’s Voice
So you have no reason not to love me.
Laura
Say… now that you’re a part of me, can you still make money?
Dick’s Voice
Oh yes. As much as you need.
Laura
Hmm… Maybe a kid or two ain’t so bad… Are the children going to be just like you, all turning into worms later?
Dick’s Voice
Yes.
Laura
What about if they’re girls?
Dick’s Voice
We don’t have females – only males. We are parasites. Now go get some prenatal vitamins, you are pregnant with the litter of six. You exceeded my expectations, I am very pleased with you! I am going to reward you now with more sexual pleasure.
Laura moans.
Blackout.
The end.
SCRIPTS BY RITA ANDREEVA 